Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.