If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Thank heavens for community notes
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Something Saturday.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”