If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.