Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Good morning

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans