Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

They’re on their honeymoon

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no