Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?