Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!