If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

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Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!


*whispers seductively in your ear*

“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”


During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.


I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?


scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours


[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd


me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving


me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins


ME: whose dog are you


ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH


I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.