If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Breaking news:
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.