Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.