If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”