Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

The “research” scene in every horror movie

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Siri: Retweet me.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right