If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
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God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..