If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
When you have to use a public restroom.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact