Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”