Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.