Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

drew a comic about my origin story

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free