If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
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I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
This forever.
