If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
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I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird