If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
You Might Also Like
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq