If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.