If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
A couple who are silly together stay together.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?