If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me