If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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March 16
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.