If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
There is no “we” in pizza
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.