Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

How do I get a job writing these texts

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

JUMP

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Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do