it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
This could’ve been an email.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
knights of the ikea table
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.