@GrantTanaka

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

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@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

@QwertyJones3

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

@Rollinintheseat

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

@PaperWash

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

@losmenent

Who else got a PhD in imagining themselves in a situation that will never happen?

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@ClichedOut

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?