Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Who else got a PhD in imagining themselves in a situation that will never happen?
this is the best interaction on twitter
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?