if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.


[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants



A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.


Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish


Who else got a PhD in imagining themselves in a situation that will never happen?


Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me


ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?