@GrantTanaka

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

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@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

@robfee

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

@girlnarly

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

@AngrEdmontonian

*puts hand on your knee

*slowly moves up your thigh

*runs over your hip

*drags finger up your stomach

*grabs remote

*changes channel

@Queen_Sassy_AF

Thank you for the “avi is not me” disclaimer in your bio. I was thinking David Hasselhoff sure isn’t very popular on here with 13 followers

@jsteele3966

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

@KentTheG

When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”