If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Sex so good you see dead people.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
what does he know…
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
sistine chapel
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?