Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basketball games are very squeaky.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I would move hell over six inches for you

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.