If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
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I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
happy friday
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!