If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.