If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it