If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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