Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

hey, alexa

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.