If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
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[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??