If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.