Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.