Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

“You’d better run, egg!”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FFmIO_TXIAMksBl.mp4

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

im 7 sauces long

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.