Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

When can I start eating bats again.

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

me: *feels an emotion*

also me: who in the hell authorized this?!

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.