If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?