Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

me hitting on a model

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton