Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.