Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”