If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
(Jupiter –
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*