Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.