If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
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Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I already tried new things thanks.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.