If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Ah..makes sense now
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.