If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.