If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
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I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.