Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers