If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent