Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

Buck naked

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT