If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
How to make infinite energy.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon