If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
CUTE CAT‼︎
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
😭😭😭😭
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?