If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
You Might Also Like
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness