If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
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*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*