If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Sponch
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts