Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

About to throw up

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Not😆🤣

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.