Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

put ‘er there pardner!

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.