Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Come back with a warrant

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

You know…for fall…

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.