If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Brands during Pride
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
is losing your mind a hobby?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car