If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.