Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Meow

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.