If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?