Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Lube but for my dry humor.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon