Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.