if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
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Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No