If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I am yelling
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want