If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

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To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.


The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.


Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine


Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene


I know I’m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name


Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?


Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.


Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown


Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂