@WheelTod

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

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@PaulyPeligroso

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

@TankCesar

The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.

@drinksmcgee

Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine

@celestinelea90

Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene

@CaseyMichelle__

I know I’m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name

@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

@Chhapiness

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

@YNB

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂