If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My whole life was a lie.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.