To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.
Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.
*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine
Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene
I know I’m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂