If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next