Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”