If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
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My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
New skill unlocked
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance