Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

i will not be silenced

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]