If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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This is my emotional support knife.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
👾👾👾
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Tuesday
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Can Happiness buy money?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper