If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids