If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”