If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
🤣could you imagine
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.