If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I march to the beat of my own dumb
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
even bears disappoint their mothers
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it