If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.